Button Heid

May 9th: Mr. Salmond, Dinnae Think Oor Heid's Button Up the Back?

I’m Scottish. I look Scottish. My thoughts are Scottish. I most definitely sound Scottish and I write like somebody who’s fucking Scottish. Unless you are Scottish I don’t think you can ever know just what it feels like to be Scottish.

At a guess I’d say it would be akin to being Irish or Welsh (the race nae the writer), but then again maybe not as they have their own crosses to bear. We can and do however empathise with them due to a commonality of having suffered a history littered with us being shat upon by our so called betters (the highland clearances, potato famines and the miners strike highlight just a few examples).

The Scottish detest Everybody. If you are neither Scottish nor a Nobody and you are reading this then go to another web page. Why? Because we don't take to you unless you are Nobody.

We like Nobody. Nobody is the most agreeable sort we know. Nobody paid their poll tax unless they were really forced in to it because the Tories used us as an experiment. Nobody would ever in their lifetime vote for the Tories. Nobody would pay a toll to get over the Skye Bridge back in the day. Nobody saw the ball cross the line in ‘66. A team of Nobody's won the Grand Slam in ‘90. Nobody does it better. Nobody likes the Jasmine Minks. Nobody knows. Nobody NEVER suffers fools gladly. Nobody's the best. Nobody goes against the grain. Nobody care's and Nobody get's the beers in.

So why, Nobody might ask, do we detest Everybody?

Perhaps it’s because Everybody keeps telling us that we are Nobody. It could be down to the fact that we are constantly told that we are never happy with our lot. (There might be some truth in that one though because I always seem to have a list of things that are currently pissing me off). The philosophy behind Anglophobia has become a part of our culture more through design than by happening. I reckon that it's a way of expressing the Scottish nations lost identity and although sad it's really something that should never be taken too seriously in this day and age.

However when asked which team I support I’ll still always answer that it's Scotland first and then whoever's playing England.

But it’s much more than just that. Make no mistake it’s because we don’t take too kindly to being told what to do and how to act or how not to react, we don’t like to be told what's good or bad, we CAN judge for ourselves. Maybe just maybe with our own Scottish government things might change for Nobody. Hopefully the SNP might change things for Nobody. Then again maybe not, I thought the same about New Labour back in the day and look how that turned out!

If the SNP attempt to govern by objectives only, then it won't work. 80% of us don't know the objectives. The disenfranchised votes would seem to validate that we don't really know what's going on half the time (latest estimate 141,000 spoiled papers = almost 7% of the vote = crazy). But I am hopefull that they will not.

I reckon they have to address objectives from a strategic perspective. If they do this they will start a revolution in the way Scotland can stand up for itself. We need to take a new look at how Scotland can succeed. We need a vision, mission, values and belief system that works for us and one in which we trust. We need joined-up, holistic thinking that delivers from the top down, strategic goals for OUR nation, a portfolio of undertakings that provide programs to implement needed change in OUR country (we are always told that change is good afterall) underpinned by projects that make a difference, sustained by actions and positive results for and from our people.

I’m proud to be Scottish because just like me - these Nobodies are Somebodies who matter and really do care!

© Wattie (with Nobody to talk to today)